is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
