I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
