Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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