last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
