Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
