We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
