i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
