haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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