Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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