He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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