i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
