My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
