Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
