what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
