he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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