Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the condom got lost in my hair
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
