Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
