Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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