seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
