is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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