i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
whose parrot is this?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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