So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
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I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize