Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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