Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I deserve this hangover.
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