I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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