Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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