I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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