how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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