and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
