alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
