"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
