i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
