There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
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Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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