My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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