I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
