I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
