i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
