I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
