My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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