My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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