i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
