I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
