So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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