from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
