Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
