My friends, they love my intelligence
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
