I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
