Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
