You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
