I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
