I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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