I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
