I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
