this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
