apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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