wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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